Some thoughts on my forty-second birthday

I've looked back on the April 13 (or thereabouts) entries in this blog over the last five years, ever since I got back from Afghanistan the first time.  They are pretty bleak, in a way that makes me wonder how much remains unresolved in my life of the things that bother me.

It's late, about 2am as I write this, and while I'm going to modify the timestamp to put this on the 13th of April, I realize I was not like this before I left for that tour.

My current duties in Afghanistan this time are not like my last; they are stressful, but not as emotionally destructive as my duties my last tour.  One of my friends told me I should not go back, that I would not get the closure I wanted from that tour, but I think he may be wrong in some ways.

Back in Afghanistan, the greatest threats I've faced in my job this time were not from the enemy, but from people who were nominally on the same side as me.  I was thinking about this poem, for which the provenance is unknown, but I know it was one that kept James B. Stockdale going when he was locked up in the Hanoi Hilton.  I've thought about it a lot today, if only for something I wanted to say when I eventually leave here.

We asked for strength that we might achieve;
He made us weak that we might obey.
We asked for health that we might do great things;
He gave us infirmity that we might do better things.
We asked for riches that we might be happy;
We were given poverty that we might be wise.
We asked for power that we might have the praise of men;
We were given weakness that we might feel the need of God.
We asked for all things that we might enjoy life;
We were given life that we might enjoy all things.
We received nothing that we asked for
But all that we hoped for.
And our prayers were answered.
We were most blessed.

Closure is elusive.  But the dark undertone of the last few years was surprisingly absent today, and I'm not sure why.  There are things I will take with me to the grave, that I doubt I will ever release, but I will eventually learn to live with them, and steel my children so that they deal with it better than I did, I would hope.