New Year

Today is day 324 of the war. Today is January 1, 2009.

I deliberated for a while about going out for a run, but decided to wimp out.
This was a deliberate decision.

I was tired, and although I probably would've benefitted from a run, I decided not to do it because maybe, just maybe, my punishing view of what I do lately is an indicator that maybe I need to back off the killing wheel a little bit.

That didn't stop me from thinking "are you fucking crazy" when someone in my office vainly suggested that tomorrow be a reduced battle rhythm day. Not a fucking chance when there's a major plan that needs to be written. This other person sits in our shop but I don't consider part of the core plans group, so I account for what this person does, but when the chips are down, I also realize that most of the plan that's been written over the last few weeks is there because I exercised extremely coercive control over the entire joint plans group and ramrodded the concept that I felt was the right one - and the one that our commanding general has embraced. It is the way ahead and I have no regrets for running roughshod over those who were too incapable, unwilling, or cowardly to work. I didn't need them to finish the plan, and I don't care. Once this is done, the path will be set, where it needs to go.

I also realized, talking to people back home, that I've become alienated from who and what I left behind. This is the hazard of what I've had to do, in that I've become someone who, in David Drake's eyes, has become insane by civilian standards. This is perhaps why the aforementioned coworker got the thought response that ensued. That person exemplifies much of what I've come to despise in American society. We are defending it, but there is potential for better.

That said - to paraphrase Orson Scott Card: "But it doesn't weigh enough, does it, Colonel, because there's a war on, and our best talent is gone, and the biggest battles are ahead."

There may be time to back off the killing wheel some more when this plan is done. But I'm saving my energy for the big fights to come over the next week.