New Year

Today is day 324 of the war. Today is January 1, 2009.

I deliberated for a while about going out for a run, but decided to wimp out.
This was a deliberate decision.

I was tired, and although I probably would've benefitted from a run, I decided not to do it because maybe, just maybe, my punishing view of what I do lately is an indicator that maybe I need to back off the killing wheel a little bit.

That didn't stop me from thinking "are you fucking crazy" when someone in my office vainly suggested that tomorrow be a reduced battle rhythm day. Not a fucking chance when there's a major plan that needs to be written. This other person sits in our shop but I don't consider part of the core plans group, so I account for what this person does, but when the chips are down, I also realize that most of the plan that's been written over the last few weeks is there because I exercised extremely coercive control over the entire joint plans group and ramrodded the concept that I felt was the right one - and the one that our commanding general has embraced. It is the way ahead and I have no regrets for running roughshod over those who were too incapable, unwilling, or cowardly to work. I didn't need them to finish the plan, and I don't care. Once this is done, the path will be set, where it needs to go.

I also realized, talking to people back home, that I've become alienated from who and what I left behind. This is the hazard of what I've had to do, in that I've become someone who, in David Drake's eyes, has become insane by civilian standards. This is perhaps why the aforementioned coworker got the thought response that ensued. That person exemplifies much of what I've come to despise in American society. We are defending it, but there is potential for better.

That said - to paraphrase Orson Scott Card: "But it doesn't weigh enough, does it, Colonel, because there's a war on, and our best talent is gone, and the biggest battles are ahead."

There may be time to back off the killing wheel some more when this plan is done. But I'm saving my energy for the big fights to come over the next week.

7.8mi, 65:15, 28 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 320 of the campaign.

iThink:
The Connells, "Fun & Games"
Bear McCreary, "Storming New Caprica"
The Connells, "Upside Down"

WX at 0030: 28 (-2) DP 17 (-8) BP 30.06 (1018) ESE 2 haze; smoke RH 63

Odometer 4: 31.2mi

Z4.
Average/max heart rate = 161/177

This is perimeter run 64.

Today was a day where I had to get in a run to work off some basic hate that had accumulated over the last day or so. I was witness to an entire staff section effectively quitting to avoid giving the impression (however correct) that they had not contributed their fair share to what will be probably the most lasting order we leave behind us. It has been a while since I've been witness to that level of cowardice and general lack of professionalism and integrity. It shocked me, but given what I saw of that section's character, did not really surprise me.

People ask me why I have such a dark view of human nature. It comes from events like this where my fundamental mistrust of other people gets such bitter validation. I suppose I'm polite (if for only the reason that I only carry 15 rounds of 9mm ball currently and I don't feel like carrying more than one magazine). Admittedly, I'm pretty profane, but it's pretty unusual even for me to, when asked about other members of the task force staff, snap off with "Fuck 'em. Just fuck 'em. Fuck everyone who doesn't come out and do this shit."

I don't think I really need them to write the parts of the plan they should have written - but it just adds onto the list of things we've gotten dumped on us because there's a statistically significant part of the staff that's allergic to work and the shop I work in has a reputation of not letting things fail.

That said, tonight's run was comparatively hard for relative sleep (I got perhaps 3 hours last night), but to quote Angela Chase from the show My So-Called Life, "Hatred can become like food. It gives you this energy. You can, like, live off it." Unbridled cathartic rage is a spiritually empty way to run one's life, which I can say without equivocation. But there is an awful evocative quality to hate and fury, one I find disturbingly alluring from time to time.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 08:32 08:32 08:32 08:32 1.00
1.00 17:05 08:33 08:33 08:32 2.00
1.00 25:31 08:26 08:26 08:30 3.00
1.00 34:08 08:37 08:37 08:32 4.00
1.00 42:26 08:18 08:18 08:29 5.00
1.00 50:54 08:28 08:28 08:29 6.00
1.00 59:17 08:23 08:23 08:28 7.00
0.75 65:15 05:58 07:57 08:25 7.75

Another for the list of movies I want to see...

A curiously un-American movie, requiring more than casual thought, which means it will not be terribly successful in the United States, methinks.

7.8mi, 69:53, 24 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 316 of the campaign.

iThink:
Paul Oakenfold, "Ready Steady Go"
Dos Gringos, "Has Anyone Seen My Wingman"
Paul Ruskay, "Agnus Dei" (the arrangement of Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings from the computer game Homeworld)
Dos Gringos, "Heat Loves the Cock" (from the Live at Tommy Rockers album)
Mindy Hester, "Keep On Rocking the Preschool"

WX at 2230: 37 (3) DP 26 (-3) BP 30.15 (1021) SW 2 haze; smoke RH 64

Odometer 3: 289.5mi

Z2-3.
Average/max heart rate = 157/171

This is perimeter run 63.

Today was a bizarre medley of whatever the hell would come to mind. Other things that came to mind was some idle thought on first-order derivatives (as in the concept from calculus), something I was discussing in passing with one of my coworkers, realizing that I hadn't had to explain limits, asymptotes, derivatives, and integrals, and how they relate to what I do as a planner.

I was tired, and did not want to go running tonight, but I've eaten enough in the last few weeks that I need to get back on a disciplined running kick - and I felt better, and with some of my mind cleared from having gone on a fairly easy run (but not so easy that my knees hurt). I found that going on this run actually helped quite a bit.

That, and it's x-moose, and I really didn't want to sit around listening to platitudes about the holiday season. My coworkers got the full fury of my holiday schadenfreude this morning. I suppose I should back off, but I think from time to time of the admonition about being a razor, and think to myself that in the five or so months I have left, I might be able to hang on the killing wheel long enough to finish the things I need to finish before I leave. Then I can back off.

The package I got today from the school where Household6 teaches and where the Princess and Sledgehammer attend was a reminder of what I left behind. It was a pointed reminder of why I do what I do, and perhaps why the person that I've become probably can not, in good conscience, go home.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 08:55 08:55 08:55 08:55 1.00
1.00 18:13 09:18 09:18 09:07 2.00
1.00 27:20 09:07 09:07 09:07 3.00
1.00 36:41 09:21 09:21 09:10 4.00
1.00 45:30 08:49 08:49 09:06 5.00
1.00 54:33 09:03 09:03 09:05 6.00
1.00 63:34 09:01 09:01 09:05 7.00
0.74 69:53 06:19 08:32 09:02 7.74

7.8mi, 62:26, 23 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 315 of the campaign.

iThink:
Dos Gringos, "Heat Loves The Cock"
The Pixies, "Alec Eiffel"

WX at 1730: 46 (8) DP 21 (-6) BP 30.15 (1021) NNW 5 haze RH 36

Odometer 4: 23.4mi

Z4.
Average/max heart rate = 169/182.

This is perimeter run 62.

It's always nice to know the temperature can drop some ten degrees in less than an hour.

Today marked members of the division band walking around playing x-moose carols. I closed the door so I didn't have to hear them from other places. When asked why, I said the sound attenuation from the walls wasn't that good anyway, and anyway, we're doing the same thing on Christmas we do every day - try to take over the world. It's not like the insurgency's taking a break on x-moose, so we might as well take advantage of the cold weather to go after the motherfuckers, hunt them down, and kill them off like rats.

Today started controlled, and I think I was at least partly successful in making sure I didn't go out too fast.

The Pixies song comes from when Trompe Le Monde came out - for whatever reason I always envisioned watching cluster bombs being dropped in train over an airfield when I heard "Alec Eiffel." I'm not sure why. When I ran past some old Soviet revetments for jet fighters, I thought of cluster bombs killing fighters on the ground, and so goes the song.

Once again, first day in about 3 days that I've done anything other than just eat. I realized that when I was starting to regain some of my pear-shaped physique, which is always a telltale sign that I've restarted the Fatass Transformation.

Work may back off in a few weeks, so maybe some recovery might be possible. Maybe.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 07:54 07:54 07:54 07:54 1.00
1.00 16:06 08:12 08:12 08:03 2.00
1.00 24:17 08:11 08:11 08:06 3.00
1.00 32:23 08:06 08:06 08:06 4.00
1.00 40:13 07:50 07:50 08:03 5.00
1.00 48:18 08:05 08:05 08:03 6.00
1.00 56:24 08:06 08:06 08:03 7.00
0.78 62:26 06:02 07:44 08:01 7.78

Just to get in the mood

As I was telling one of my coworkers after I ripped someone's ass at work today, I could always stand to lose some holiday schadenfreude. Then again, maybe not.

7.8mi, 73:22, 20 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 312 of the campaign.

iThink: Hugo Friedhofer, Main Title to The Best Years of Our Lives

WX at 1730: 41 (5) DP 23 (-5) BP 30.06 (1018) S 10 RH 48

Odometer 3: 280.7mi

Z1.
Average/max heart rate = 149/160

This is perimeter run 61.

I hadn't realized it'd been five days since I hit the road. The days here in the combat zone tend to blend in when there's a lot of intensive planning work going on. I also realized that after about ten months, I'm not sure how much a day or two seems to make a difference.

I also realized that I hate x-moose. I fucking hate it with a passion. I associate it with bad things happening to people I know, so my memories of x-moose are rarely fond ones. I don't hang x-moose decorations, I've largely stopped sending cards, and it's no accident that my favorite x-moose song is "Fuck Christmas" by FEAR. A member of my office has a battery-powered chicken that plays the Chicken Dance. He turns it on and I think of putting a controlled pair (two rounds) into the lethal zone (head, chest, or gut) on the chicken. But that's just me.

So, it was not entirely illogical that the iThink, as nonrhythmic as it may seem, that the one mantra that stuck in my head was Hugo Friedhofer's opening credits music to The Best Years of Our Lives, a fictional film about the reintegration of three combat veterans back to their families after years of combat.

In a few months, that'll be me. Maybe.

In the meantime, I'm just burning lard on slow runs like this, where I have enough presence of mind to carry on a conversation at casual pace. Sometimes I need runs like this too.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 09:01 09:01 09:01 09:01 1.00
1.00 18:13 09:12 09:12 09:07 2.00
1.00 27:29 09:16 09:16 09:10 3.00
1.00 36:48 09:19 09:19 09:12 4.00
1.00 46:30 09:42 09:42 09:18 5.00
1.00 56:03 09:33 09:33 09:20 6.00
1.00 65:58 09:55 09:55 09:25 7.00
0.78 73:22 07:24 09:29 09:26 7.78

Linux, Ignorance and Agnosticism

Not sure where I chanced across this, but I guess I'm glad I'm not a middle school teacher.

I guess reasoned discourse isn't really dead in our society.

I was going to put in the original, but that link does a better job of summarizing it than I would.

7.8mi, 63:46, 16 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 308 of the campaign.

iThink:
Dos Gringos, "I Wish I Had A Gun Just Like the A-10"
Rob Zombie, "Feel So Numb"

WX at 0030: 42 (6) DP 8 (-13) BP 30.09 (1019) Variable 2 RH 24

Odometer 4: 15.6mi

Z3-4.
Average/max heart rate = 166/179

This is perimeter run 60.

I could've chickened out, but I was curiously alert at midnight and wanted to go get a run in while I felt curiously okay (in spite of getting less sleep than I really wanted).

The weather was also uncharacteristically warm for the middle of December, so the opportunity was too good to pass up.

I tried to get a more controlled start than usual, and I think it paid some dividends - although there's a very definite cut line where I started picking up the speed, after the first five miles or so. This is consistent with the usual 35 minutes or so it takes me to get fully warmed up, and the finishing portion of this run is indicative of the controlled start. I felt much better finishing than I think I ordinarily would have had I done my usual jackrabbit start.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 08:00 08:00 08:00 08:00 1.00
1.00 16:28 08:28 08:28 08:14 2.00
1.00 24:55 08:27 08:27 08:18 3.00
1.00 33:20 08:25 08:25 08:20 4.00
1.00 41:30 08:10 08:10 08:18 5.00
1.00 49:42 08:12 08:12 08:17 6.00
1.00 57:56 08:14 08:14 08:17 7.00
0.75 63:46 05:50 07:47 08:14 7.75

7.8mi, 71:28, 13 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 305 of the campaign.

iThink:
The Bats, "Courage"
George Sanger, "Defend" theme from the video game Wing Commander (yes, the one from 1990.)

WX at 1930: 37 (3) DP 3 (-16) BP 30.21 (1023) SSE 2 RH 23

Odometer 3: 262.9mi

Z3.
Average/max heart rate = 159/169

This is perimeter run 59.

Today was an easy run that turned into a good stretch at the end.

I knew I was going to be up a while, so I thought I'd knock out a run before most of the heat radiated out back into space.

Too bad most of the heat was already starting to radiate out by the time I started.

I normally don't like running with full sweatgear on, but for an easy run like this, it was warranted. I also had to get a shower in because I got a haircut for the first time in a few weeks.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 09:26 09:26 09:26 09:26 1.00
1.00 18:48 09:22 09:22 09:24 2.00
1.00 28:05 09:17 09:17 09:22 3.00
1.00 37:10 09:05 09:05 09:17 4.00
1.00 46:16 09:06 09:06 09:15 5.00
1.00 55:36 09:20 09:20 09:16 6.00
1.00 64:44 09:08 09:08 09:15 7.00
0.75 71:28 06:44 08:59 09:13 7.75

Two casualties of war

Normally I'd be off to sleep (it's 1:57am here) but I was witness to two things, almost back to back, that markedly unsettled me today.

I had occasion to brief my organization's campaign plan to a visiting unit. One of my coworkers, Rodger, ran into someone he'd known for a long, long time (who was in the visiting unit), and asked how the wife and kids were. The respondent said, matter-of-factly, "I'm divorced."

Another guy in that party was coming up to visit my boss, who had been this guy's first company commander in a former life. When my boss saw him, and asked how the family was, the other guy's response was "the kids are doing great." That raised a red flag or two in the back of my head. A few minutes later he alluded to "getting divorced was probably the best thing I could've done for them."

I wonder, after a fashion, if these relationships might have survived had it not been for the grinding down that repetitive combat tours does to people. I wonder.

7.8mi, 63:27, 11 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 303 of the campaign.

iThink:
Corrosion of Conformity, "What(?)"
Dos Gringos, "Going In For Guns"
The All-American Rejects, "It Ends Tonight"

WX at 0030: 32 (0) DP 10 (-12) BP 30.18 (1022) NW 8 RH 39 WC 24 (-4)

Odometer 4: 7.8mi

Z4.
Average/max heart rate = 166/178

This is perimeter run 58.

I was up late, but I forced myself to get out and run. I've been hitting the planner smokes more often than I'd like, but the alternative is to pound the shit out of something, and if I break my keyboard, I don't get a replacement. The pace of work remains as relentless as ever, and my effervescent demeanor at the office doesn't change much.

I must admit, there's an element of catharsis in these runs, and I should get back in the gym and lift, but I don't have the time and given a choice, I'd rather run.

I may go out during the day, take out the attack crosse from the office, and do some wall ball as a matter of clearing the mind. It worked for me in Iraq.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 07:58 07:58 07:58 07:58 1.00
1.00 16:12 08:14 08:14 08:06 2.00
1.00 24:28 08:16 08:16 08:09 3.00
1.00 32:44 08:16 08:16 08:11 4.00
1.00 40:49 08:05 08:05 08:10 5.00
1.00 49:09 08:20 08:20 08:11 6.00
1.00 57:19 08:10 08:10 08:11 7.00
0.77 63:27 06:08 07:58 08:10 7.77

7.8mi, 71:56, 9 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 301 of the campaign.

iThink:
Dos Gringos, "The Things I Love"
The Connells, "Fun & Games"

WX at 0030: 33 (1) DP 32 (0) BP 30.15 (1021) SE 2 RH 96

Odometer 2: 402.0mi

Z2-3.
Average/max heart rate = 154/165

This is perimeter run 57.

This was very nearly five days without PT. That would have been unacceptable.

Between cancer sticking and caffeine ingestion to borderline unsafe levels, I probably need to do this more often.

Work has been even worse this past two weeks than I thought it's been; perhaps a good indicator is when people are telling me that I should not assemble our next order since our entire joint plans group would run the risk of experiencing my caustic fury at full bore. I'd ordinarily care, but I also realize that I'm not all that interested in making friends at work any more.

I realize that I'm about crushing out the work at hand, sensitivities be damned, so maybe I should be more relaxed, less the fact that we tend to work late and come in early.

Of course, I've made it eminently clear that we don't get fuck-all done in the mornings before 11:00am, so an early morning meeting is pointless when most productive work happens after 8:00pm in the evening anyway. My work lately has had the general texture of getting sodomized with a cheese grater, so the fun continues for the next six months until I'm paroled from this joint.

It's no accident that Dos Gringos has featured prominently in my song repertoire. Especially "The Things I Love" and its lyrics about certain body parts.

On a side note, I can now retire this pair of shoes. Whee.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 09:02 09:02 09:02 09:02 1.00
1.00 18:18 09:16 09:16 09:09 2.00
1.00 27:40 09:22 09:22 09:13 3.00
1.00 37:06 09:26 09:26 09:16 4.00
1.00 46:23 09:17 09:17 09:17 5.00
1.00 55:50 09:27 09:27 09:18 6.00
1.00 65:08 09:18 09:18 09:18 7.00
0.75 71:56 06:48 09:04 09:17 7.75

7.8mi, 65:58, 3 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 295 of the campaign.

iThink:
Dos Gringos, "World War III"
Dos Gringos, "Going In For Guns"

WX at 1830: 46 (8) DP 10 (-12) BP 30.12 (1020) Variable 1 smoke RH 22

Odometer 2: 394.2mi

Z3, Z4 finish.
Average/max heart rate = 161/178

This is perimeter run 56.

I thought this was going to be somewhat relaxing. Turns out I was right up against a deadline, so the last mile turned for all intents and purposes, into a very fast tempo run, as I steadily accelerated to the finish. That I was holding under 8 mpm was comforting, to know that I'm getting into progressively better shape. Maybe.

We've been doing a fairly intensive planning effort, and as usual, nothing works better to separate the sheep from the wolves. There are a fuckload of sheep in some staff directorates in our joint task force. That's about all I'll say.

I have noticed that Dos Gringos has gotten more iThink time than I would've thought, but I gotta admit, "World War III" and "Going In For Guns" are pretty catchy.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 08:41 08:41 08:41 08:41 1.00
1.00 17:14 08:33 08:33 08:37 2.00
1.00 25:47 08:33 08:33 08:36 3.00
1.00 34:20 08:33 08:33 08:35 4.00
1.00 42:53 08:33 08:33 08:35 5.00
1.00 51:30 08:37 08:37 08:35 6.00
1.00 59:50 08:20 08:20 08:33 7.00
0.78 65:58 06:08 07:52 08:29 7.78

7.8mi, 62:13, 1 DEC 08, Bagram, Afghanistan

Day 293 of the campaign.

iThink:
Death Cab for Cutie, "Photobooth"
Rob Zombie, "Feel So Numb"

WX at 1530: 62 (17) DP 10 (-12) BP 30.15 (1021) ENE 7 RH 13

Odometer 2: 386.4mi

Z4.
Average/max heart rate = 168/178

This is perimeter run 55.

First afternoon run in a while, and it started out promising. What I didn't count on was having to run through all the dust kicked up by traffic departing at the end of day, and I certainly didn't count on a killer side stitch that showed up a few miles short of the finish. I was disappointed, since if it hadn't shown up, I think I might've gotten a good run on my personal record, but it's hard to go hard when you have a sharp pain in the ribs.

Passing other runners, though, is a definite motivator. This was very much apparent as I burned past other people on the road and along the sidewalk.

This was a good indicator of what I consider a fairly good tempo run, though.

Splits
SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 07:42 07:42 07:42 07:42 1.00
1.00 15:38 07:56 07:56 07:49 2.00
1.00 23:31 07:53 07:53 07:50 3.00
1.00 31:38 08:07 08:07 07:55 4.00
1.00 39:40 08:02 08:02 07:56 5.00
1.00 47:51 08:11 08:11 07:58 6.00
1.00 56:09 08:18 08:18 08:01 7.00
0.75 62:13 06:04 08:05 08:02 7.75