Dislocation

I was reminded of something tonight, being around places I used to live but no longer can call home. This is about something totally different, but the notion of the future opening like a black cone has something that resonated with me when I first read this book 25 years ago.

There was a bang from above him. Abbado thought for an instant that the SPs were shooting; then he saw a spark curving in the direction of the cops' flashing party hat. "What the fuck was that?" he demanded. 

Methie looked down from the cupola. "We got two anti-emitter missiles with the bus," he said. "I figured this was a good time to use one." 

The red light spun like a flipped coin and vanished from the sky. Abbado didn't see the flash of an explosion. He felt the future opening before him like a black cone: a complete absence of experience, stretching on forever. 

- David Drake, Redliners

 

I believe I will land on my feet, but getting to the future has been an exercise in just surviving sometimes.  

3.02mi, 32:36, 5 OCT 21, Carlisle, Pennsylvania

iThink:
Tommy Keene, "Paper Words and Lies"

WX at 21:56 E 6 8.00 Overcast OVC010 70 63 79% NA NA 30.30 1026.1

Odometer 21: 264.7mi

Z3.7. Average/max heart rate = 145/158

The gym was supposed to be open 24/7, except when it isn't. This seriously fucking licks my goddamn ass raw.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.53 16:23 16:23 10:43 10:43 1.53
1.49 32:36 16:12 10:53 10:48 3.02

7.0mi, 74:35, 17 AUG 20, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
Ariana Grande, "Break Free" (Jon Electra Remix)

WX at 9 PM (1) Aug 17 69.3 (20.7) 66.7 (19.3) 29.9 (1012) Calm RH 91

Odometer 20: 334.8mi

Z3. Average/max heart rate = 142/160

A cooler day today, and a later start. Everyone at home is depressed. The children are are both at college, and everyone is depressed, to include the dogs. Our older dog is really out of sorts because both girls are gone and I'm not much of a substitute. My knees are starting to flare up, and I hit them with the foam roller but it's time to put a cho-pat strap back on, I fear.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.81 18:49 18:49 10:24 10:24 1.81
0.87 28:12 09:23 10:47 10:31 2.68
1.54 44:18 16:07 10:28 10:30 4.22
1.55 61:18 17:00 10:58 10:37 5.77
1.23 74:35 13:17 10:48 10:39 7.00

8.62mi, 87:49, 12 MAY 20, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
Touché Amoré, "Palm Dreams"

WX at 7 PM (23) May 12 61.9 (16.6) 24.6 (-4.1) 30.14 (1020) WNW 13G20 RH 23

Odometer 19B: 280.6mi

Z4. Average/max heart rate = 150/163

I ran until it hurt. But not so hard that I couldn't take the pain. In other words, I made sure to run into oxygen debt, but I was feeling it more in my legs than anywhere else. I'm getting faster, although today was about as ideal as it gets for running conditions, and I got enough rest after the last two days or so.

This run was coming from watching bits of a BBC Scotland play called Black Watch, which is about 1 BLACK WATCH covering the area east of Fallujah in 2004 and what it did to the troops in the unit, who came back different. It is hard to watch, so I ran hard to pay off my sins, even though they happened in a different combat zone.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.82 18:16 18:16 10:02 10:02 1.82
1.14 30:18 12:02 10:33 10:14 2.96
1.28 43:11 12:53 10:04 10:11 4.24
1.43 58:28 15:17 10:41 10:19 5.67
1.75 76:21 17:53 10:13 10:17 7.42
1.20 87:49 11:28 09:33 10:11 8.62

7.98mi, 82:49, 11 APR 20, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
Sugarcult, "Dead Living"

WX at 3 PM (19) Apr 11 58.5 (14.7) 24.6 (-4.1) 29.98 (1015) W 9 RH 26

Odometer 19B: 211.0mi

Z3 high-Z4 low. Average/max heart rate = 152/169

Today was the first day back back at it after two days off. Today's weather was gorgeous, as good running weather as there is. What was not gorgeous was the number of sheeple who were too fucking stupid or ignorant to maintain proper spacing. This is the last time I think I'm running trails for a while because, as is often validated, there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers outside.

It is also possible that I may be one of those dumb motherfuckers too.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.41 14:34 14:34 10:20 10:20 1.41
1.83 33:21 18:46 10:16 10:18 3.24
1.28 46:04 12:43 09:56 10:12 4.52
1.29 60:03 13:59 10:51 10:20 5.81
2.17 82:50 22:46 10:30 10:23 7.98

Helena Cain

Something from June 7, 2012.  I do not know what made me revisit such a dark place, but I was in the death sprint to finish my doctoral dissertation.  I was in the mode of doing what needed to be done, no matter what.  I hope I never revisit that again.

"Sometimes terrible things have to be done. Inevitably, each and every one of us will have to face a moment where we have to commit that horrible sin."

"When you can be this for as long as you have to be, then you're a razor. This war is forcing us all to become razors. Because if we don't, we don't survive. And then we don't have the luxury of becoming simply human again."

10,000m on Concept2 Model D, 46:49.3, 4 JUL 19, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
Turboslash, "Rush!"

WX at 10 PM (2) Jul 04     75 (24)     73 (23)     30.08 (1018)     Calm     light drizzle

Odometer 14B: 411.0mi

Z3.  Average/max heart rate = 140/146

I had inadvertently damaged my Oakley Half Jacket 2.0 XLs with some bug spray this morning.  I wouldn't have been so bent out of shape were they not the really expensive polarized glasses.  I am still on slow simmer.  I shouldn't be, but I still am.

Today's erg was a tightly controlled pace for heart rate; I was very specifically trying to crank in zone 3 and was able to hold MHR for the most part no higher than 140 for the first 3/4 of the crank, then at about 145 for the remainder.

I think I'm going to get shitty tonight, just out of catharsis more than anything else.  I also have a cold that's causing enough post-nasal drip to cause sneezing and a cough.  Fortunately, I've found my leftover cold medicine from last winter and some cough drops I salvaged from my desk when I moved out of my office.  Yay.

Splits
Distance:    10000
Time:    46:49.3
Avg/500m:    02:20.5
Drag Factor:    132
Per Mile:    00:07:32

Reflections on a Monday morning

Something I desperately wanted to say as I was leaving the last job:

And this.

Sometimes A Great Notion

"Did I ever tell you about my summers with my uncle when I was a kid? Foxes would attack his henhouse all the time. Really pissed him off. He'd wake me up. We'd go with his hounds at night up into the hills looking for the fox. When the dogs smelled the scent, they'd go crazy. The pack would become a team. Force the fox...toward the river."

"So what would the foxes do? 

"Half would turn and fight. The other half would try to swim across. But my uncle told me about a few that...they'd swim halfway out, turn with the current, and ride it all the way out to sea. Fishermen would find them a mile offshore. Just swimming."

"Because they wanted to drown."

"Maybe.  Or maybe they were just...tired."

"Well, Godsdamn it, Bill. We can't swim out to sea. I am the XO of this ship, you are the Commanding Officer. How is putting a bullet in your head gonna help Dee? It sure as frak isn't gonna help all the others who are thinking about doing the same Godsdamned thing. And what are they gonna do without the old man here to lead them?"

"Lead them where, Saul?"

Some words of warning

Home is supposed to be the place you strive for. You work and dream to survive to see it again to enjoy all of its comforts. But when you can't enjoy the things you should, you enter an especially sad place. No joy can come to you for reasons you don't know.

I wasn't in this state necessarily because "bad things occurred" overseas, although they did. I was sad and lonely because I felt empty. Something was missing. Fun, danger, excitement, purpose, drive, friends, explosions, intrigue, exotic lands. All were gone. I had a great time in Iraq and I missed it. Wake and mow the lawn? Why? Fuck the lawn.

I never really came home.

- Robert Shaw, "Homecoming"

7.24mi, 81:07, 24 OCT 17, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
Game Theory, "No Love"

WX at 6 AM (10) Oct 24 60 (16) 59 (15) 29.75 (1007) Variable 3 RH 93

Odometer 17B: 133.4mi

Z2-Z3. Average/max heart rate = no reading.

I am mentally spent (and completely burnt the fuck out at work) but needed to get at it since I agreed to meet the Running Partner this AM. Otherwise I would've slept in.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.51 16:45 16:45 11:06 11:06 1.51
4.22 65:24 48:39 11:32 11:25 5.73
1.51 81:07 15:43 10:25 11:12 7.24

6.17mi, 64:56, 23 JUL 17, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
A Day to Remember, "All I Want"
Touché Amoré, "Home Away From Here"
music from the AIG Japan All Blacks advert

WX at 2 PM (18) Jul 23 77 (25) 73 (23) 29.79 (1008) SE 7 thunder in the vicinity RH 88

Odometer 17: 230.5mi

Z4. Average/max heart rate = no reading.

Got snaked out by a rainstorm that did not last once I got out there. Once I was out there, I was committed. I was thinking about going 7 but the heat and humidity made that imprudent, so I decided to exercise some discretion.

It is perhaps an indicator that the AIG advert is the most mellow thing I can think of while I'm running.  I won't run that fast, but it's probably better than the white hot rage that comes with the second iThink.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.20 12:10 12:10 10:08 10:08 1.20
0.63 17:56 05:46 09:09 09:48 1.83
0.64 24:40 06:44 10:31 09:59 2.47
1.45 38:52 14:12 09:48 09:55 3.92
1.44 53:18 14:26 10:01 09:57 5.36
2.25 64:56 26:04 11:35 10:31 6.17

A little catharsis

Everything has wrapped up for today.  It is quiet, and everyone else is going to sleep.
I am drinking for catharsis on my anniversary.  And cathartic it will be.

10.24mi, 100:15, 11 FEB 17, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
Sugarcult, "Dead Living" in an attempt to fend off
Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk, "I'm Sorry" and
Alan Zachary and Michael Weiner, "Safer"

WX at 6 PM (23) Feb 11 47.7 (8.7) 34.9 (1.6) 29.96 (1014) Calm RH 60

Odometer 16: 165.8mi

Z4. Average/max heart rate = 155/174

This run was the first dedicated workout I've done this week. Monday and Tuesday were spent moving stuff around the house, but the rest of the week was a bust. I spent most of it sleeping in as I've spent most of the week going into meetings in variously futile efforts to support the people working for me.

The last two iThinks are not the songs I need to be thinking about at this point in my life or at this time of the year, but they won't fucking dislodge.  In the meantime, those songs put my heart into the meatgrinder.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG  SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 09:19  09:19 09:19 09:19 1.00
1.00 19:21  10:02 10:02 09:41 2.00
1.00 29:15  09:53 09:53 09:45 3.00
1.00 39:21  10:07 10:07 09:50 4.00
1.00 49:36  10:15 10:15 09:55 5.00
1.00 59:22  09:46 09:46 09:54 6.00
1.00 69:17  09:55 09:55 09:54 7.00
1.00 78:47  09:30 09:30 09:51 8.00
1.00 88:51  10:04 10:04 09:52 9.00
1.00 97:57  09:05 09:05 09:48 10.00
0.24 100:15 02:19 09:39 09:47 10.24

5.34mi, 55:51, 21 DEC 16, Springfield, Virginia

iThink:
deadmau5, "There might be coffee"

WX at 4 PM (21) Dec 21 48 (9) 17 (-8) 30.24 (1024) Calm RH 29

Odometer 16: 84.6mi

Z3. Average/max heart rate = 147/160

Recovery run from last few days. I felt like crap because I have a head cold and it is not good. Also, my legs are tired. I forced myself to get out there because otherwise I risk become a piece of crap.

I also realize that every x-moose that goes by, I hate it a little more each year.  Many people look forward to the season, but I personally can't fucking wait for it to be over.

Splits

SGMT AGGRG SEGMT PERMI AVGPC DIST
1.00 10:40 10:40 10:40 10:40 1.00
1.00 21:07 10:26 10:26 10:33 2.00
1.00 31:45 10:39 10:39 10:35 3.00
1.00 42:18 10:33 10:33 10:35 4.00
1.00 52:10 09:52 09:52 10:26 5.00
0.34 55:51 03:41 10:49 10:27 5.34

Homecoming

Home is supposed to be the place you strive for. You work and dream to survive to see it again to enjoy all of its comforts.  But when you can't enjoy the things you should, you enter an especially sad place.  No joy can come to you for reasons you don't know.

I wasn't in this state necessarily because "bad things occurred" overseas, although they did.  I was sad and lonely because I felt empty.  Something was missing.  Fun, danger, excitement, purpose, drive, friends, explosions, intrigue, exotic lands.  All were gone.  I had a great time in Iraq and I missed it.  Wake and mow the lawn?  Why?  Fuck the lawn.

I never really came home.

Robert Shaw, "Homecoming," in Justin Hudnall, Julia Dixon Evans, and Rolf Yngve, eds., Incoming

The Most Versatile Word in the English Language

ABSOLUTELY not safe for kids.  From The Wire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtHetIaWZNc

A Dog and His Boy

This film brought back all the unresolved anguish of seven years ago.  I realize I need to be very careful about what I watch lately.

What I Need

The gunner hung out of the gunship,
Silhouetted against the jungle below.
His job was simple:
Be a trouble shooter.
Back then he killed gooks for God and country
And it was good.
That was 1968. This is 1988 and
I have no Huey to lean out of, just
Homeless to house, sick to nurse,
Poor to feed, illiterate to teach,
By doing these things, I do God's chores.
Too bad they bore me.
I want my handiwork to buckle and bleed.
Killing time is what I need.

Leo Boyd

An early haiku for Veteran's Day

But where will they take
their grief, those who return from
distant battlefields?

- David Ray